Things I WANT

1) Get a new car
2) Make sure that I start saving some money (in insurance, fixed acc, or what not)
3) Get a new Phone (erm... I'm targeting Motorola V9, LG Ice Cream, or SE Z555i)
4) Go vacation!
5) Make lotsa money!
6) Be happier with what I have rather than what I dont
7) Make the best out time. Cause I have a limited time off.

A year numbered with combination of 2-0-0-8

The year has finally come to an end as the new dawn of 2009 approaches, with new visions and spirit as they will eventually faded soon enough.

2008

I'm not blaming the things that happened but I really appreciate the things that happened; they make me stronger everyday. Combination of events that show me the true meaning of life.

The thing is, I don't really like 2008. It is a year of sacrifices for me. I had gone through a lot and some of them I really don't want to repeat them. Its like a paranoia to me and things are getting worse. I let things come and I don't control them anymore. In exchange I let situations control me. It's a new way of adapting to my surrounding. Struggling real hard to at least have a meaning in my everyday life. I want to continue to give as I am giving people around me and sometimes I can feel the heat residing in my both cheeks. I just hope that all of this can be forgotten so that I can move on.

I lost my car. I had to continue study elsewhere so I can earn some money. I let myself down by making other people's day. I gave up my freedom by inviting my mom into the same compound of my working space. I gave up my feelings so that people around me can get what they want. And do people ask me what I want for myself? Think again.

It is not totally a suck year though. I learned a lot of things out of the sacrifices that I have to go through. I learned to never ask for what you want because it will always turned you down - Giving without asking a favor in return.

I reached two year anniversary with Mr Frank. I was the happiest person when the clock stroke 12 on the 18th of August. I am proud of myself for things I've done to stay in this relationship. I am blessed that I can still survive everyday with the love of my love. It is not too much if i say this, I am eager to sacrifice for this love that I am having as I have been through with the greatest test in my life in regards of love. So anything else won't matter after this - yes people, that includes my dreams because I can't answer Anna's question of what do you wanna do for your own self right now and up to now, I don't have the answer yet. So live as life comes. Expect the unexpected. My stories of happiness and sadness are with my lovely sister - Anna.

Anna R is a blessing in my life. I got to know her of about a year ago and ever since we were as close as twins. There are happy times we went through together. She was there all year round. She listened to my heart and soul; all my pains and all my hopes. She is the best thing I have ever had in my life. And working with her is so awesome!

I love my work! I love my job! It's the best thing that I could ever wish for. It keeps me happy even in the deepest and darkest valley. I am hooked up with my works.

Basically it is not that bad. I kinda love it. It means so much to me that I will never forget 2008. NEVER THINK OF GETTING FOR THINGS YOU HAVE GIVEN OR DONE.

The year has finally come to an end as the new dawn of 2009 approaches, with new visions and spirit as they will eventually faded soon enough.

Tuberose

Mr. Frank knows my obsession towards plants - and specifically tuberose. The smell is amazing especially when night takes it turn as day gives way. Pretty white buds of tuberose from long greenish stalks prettified the natural order of its own in its own way.

People asked me frequently why do I love tuberose so much. I don't know how to answer that. All I can think of is how it is similar to the nature that I was born with. People won't like me until they get to know me - just like tuberose; they can't smell the sweet scent unless they really know them. They are different from other flowers as they only scented during the night. Maybe then, if they have the patience to wait, they appreciate the flower. To others, who has lack of knowledge, they won't even notice that tuberose exists - and they are in great loss.

today, he bought me 4 stalks of tuberose and I was so excited. I mean, the flower represents who I really am. Think again....

Time Ticks Fast

Before I realized it, Edmund is getting married next year. He's big enough but I can't stop myself from trying to cut down the mixed emotion that is building in. He WILL get married next year. How fast time ticks and that all around me people are changing and So am I. And I take them in as I look at life differently from what I did previously. A process of growing up.

Congratulation to me!

As I was walking in the dark cinema, I realized something - I am actually doing something good for myself. I am trying hard to stop smoking!The realization occupied my mind and I stepped on a Chinese lady's foot, wobbled I hit the head of a movie patron in the lower seating before stepping on Anna's foot and I sat on my chair in embarrassment covering my face with both palms. And The Spirit was rather dull!

I am trying hard to stop smoking for the second time in my life. I have stopped once, a year before I met Mr. Frank and then of about 7 or 8 months ago the urges were so strong I gave in. I started smoking openly and before I knew it I smoked a lot.

Now, for the past a few weeks, I have decided to stop smoking. Now, people said that, its hard to quite but know this, I am now holding a ciggie box of 10 days with four more ciggies in it. I know its not a big achievement yet, but hey, I am making some sort of improvement here.

So much so, I would like to congratulate myself for that!

Just...

When he passes me by, he's a ray of light
Like the first drop of sun from the sky
And I know he's a king, who deserves a queen
But i'm not a Queen
And he doesn't see me

When he dances he moves me to a smile
I see everything near his shine
There is a grace in his ways I can't contain
I don't have that grace
So he doesn't see me

And the closer I get I can't help but hide
So ashamed of my body and voice
There are boundaries we pass in spite of the war
But our own, we can't seem to cross

She has a way that surrounds him, so delicate
With a glory that reigns in his life
She is also so much that he is not
But these things they don't see
And he doesn't see me

There are things we can change if we just choose to fight
But the walls of injustice are high

When he passes me by, he's a ray of light
Like the first drop of sun from the sky

And i know hes a king who deserves a queen
Someone other than me
Different from me
He doesn't see me
He doesn't see me

Hehehe...

Sleepily I dragged my feet out of the bullet, hanged my lappie bag on my shoulder and started to climb the stairs to the ticket machines. I could see a lot of people started to pile up at the ticket machines. Great. I told myself. There was no station officer. So, we were stuck there. I push the intercom - no answer. Passengers were getting really upset and a mak cik of about 56 years old squatted and crawled under the blocker of the machine. And others started to follow. Soon enough you can see a lot of acts of avoiding the steel blocker. you can see people go over the blocker underneath it and the side of it. Mr. Frank went under while I went to the side. He said "You are lucky to have small thighs,".

The Stain just won't go off!

Imagine this: Tonnes of Invitation has been sent. RSVP's has been recieved. Food has been ordered. As I was writing this down, our staff are working hard in completing the handouts for presentation - a bag consisting a mini proposal, general information of our company, . A hi-tea presentation to be exact. Something that i have been working really hard for. And then, something happened.

3.21 pm received an email:

Pls note this email on the status of yr request for using *&*.

I have not given any official permission or ok on this as per my email to you below as there are many matters to discuss wth my superiors before I can conclude the decision.

Meanwhile, pls also look elsewhere for yr event to be held. TQ.

I started panicking. But I gathered my composure together and proceeded with my on going tasks. Less that I realize, it was 1 hour and 36 minutes later that screwed up my day

4.57 pm received another email that says:

Dear Martha,

Thank you for your interest in our facilities. Unfortunately, we are NOT able to provide the use of our premise as requested. We hope that you are able to secure another venue for this event and we wish you all the best.

I screamed and the whole office dropped everything they were doing turned and looked at me acting like a woman with middle life crisis. I sank in my chair.

And That is Strike Two!

I was striding with my heels across the bustling south wing of Deep Valley City when I saw a familiar face. She smiled at me waved and I waved back. She is my aunt. She works as a Personal Assistant in an advertising company. She was wearing Giordano red T-shirt covered with a jeans jacket with her loose baggy jeans. She greeted me with a huge smile and we hugged. So, I chatted with her for awhile and soon we said our goodbyes.

With contented heart, I trotted back to where I came from - the bullet station. As I was cautiously avoiding kids, cute boys, parents, grandmas and grandpas, I passed a super cute boy. He stared and my heart beats like the sound of the wheels of a locomotive train. Then, realization stroke! I know that boy, or at least he seems familiar. I tried hard to recollect as I waltzed through the throngs of people.

"I remember him!" I said to myself embarrassed, excited and afraid. I stood still in the rapid flow of crowds, turned around and searched for him. He saw that I turned around smiled and changed direction. He started to fight the rapid flow of people. I started panicking. I moved to the side and stood in front of a clothing store.

I rubbernecked the flow to see where he was. In his journey to me, he pushed a boy away from his path, stood still to give way to an Arab family which spoke so loud that even I can memorize what they were saying and hit a wheelchair of an old lady and fell. He finally stood in front of me. He is a bit taller than I am, hair was covering his right eyes, a faded straight line of scar above his cheekbones and left eyes, neatly shaved, nice smell - I think he wore Pacco Rabbanne (however I spell that) he was wearing a light green Polo T, and a dark-green-almost-black knee length short and a pair of Nike(I don't know the type).

"Hey," he said.

"Hi," half dead already.

"erm, can I Have your number?" He asked.

And what I did?

I walked away.

In the middle of the night...

I woke up again, in the middle of the night, and I don't like it. I tried hard to sleep but then, they refused to keep shut. I forced myself up, stood by the side of my bed, scratched my bum and walked slowly out of my room. I went straight to the kitchen; my aim was the fridge. I took a bottle of coke, open the cap and took a few gulp down my throat. I put it back and stared at the toilet. Got in, relieved myself and went back to lay quietly on my bed. I just can't do it. I can't sleep.

I flipped open my lappie, sat on my bed, waited for the best creation of human life to run and went online. I clicked the internet button and entered the world without boundaries. I typed out YOUTUBE and searched for Britney Spears (I am a fan, so don't laugh).

Her new album is superb. The music is edgier but safe, the voice is more confident than ever, the songs are well arranged, I mean that's what I think it sounds like. Usually when I am in youtube, I don't browse for the usual clippings or videos. I searched for something I haven't see previously. I typed down womanizer. There are quite a few and some of them are quite lousy. I watched her so-called "live" performance and I have this to say to myself: she works hard for this album and we know that for the first week of the launching of the album, she sold 500k copies already. Isn't that fabulous, which inspires me. She fell from grace big time and now she is back better than what she was. If she can do it why can't I. A normal person who is trying to make it big in her life. I took my time and wrote this entry.

I'm tired...

Lately, I have been pushing myself harder than a few months ago. I went for this meeting, that meeting, more proposals, more planning and god knows what. And as we speak I am listing down the programmes for a very important customer. I need a break. But there are too many things that I am worried about. And to leave the job to someone else? I mean can I? They were not there when I discussed the details of the programmes, leave alone knowing their likes and dislikes. Catering their needs and providing personalized programmes for them are the biggest challenge. Yes, I am tied up to the work that I am doing. It is both pleasuring and agonizing. But I have to do what I have to do, right? I just hope that some people would understand that and respect that and for once make ME happy. Well now, One thing for sure - I am tired.

STOP staring at my B****

Well, I have to admit that there's something going on between me and public transportation. Something must go wrong, embarrassing or funny. I don't really know how all of this happened but that's always the case.

Recently (not so recent though), about a week ago. I took the bullet to work from an agonizing meeting. As usual, there was no empty seat so I had to stand but it wasn't too packed. I rested my back on a glass panel, the bullet's door was on my right. There was a mother with a child opposite of me,one of those immigrant looking. They stood right in front of me before walking out of the bullet at the next station. Once they walked out I took a closer look at my outfit.

I was wearing a short dress; sweet pink, black belt from Vincci and a black Clark's sleek stiletto. I let my wild curl rested on my shoulders. To complete this look, I brought my Gucci handbag and I think, I think I still looked perfect after a stretched meeting about training programmes.

I looked up. A young adult of about 15 or 16 was looking straight at me. That is an understated statement. He was looking at my b****. I made a disgusted look on my face. He just wouldn't stop staring at them. I started to feel uncomfortable. I shifted from side to side but his expressions made me feel harassed - sexually. I thought that was the worst part. No, It wasn't. The other passengers were looking at him looking at me. I started to feel blood rushing to my face and the boy laughed, looking right into my eyes as if he was having a hard on but then it changed to something in between adoration and teenager-in-love kinda look. One thing went through my mind: this kid had never seen b**** before.

Drama, Love and Relationship

I dreamed of Mr. Frank and I. We were so happy; happier than what we are now. It was beautiful. We hold hands, talk for ages and just sit in a cafe and took in the environment as we ventured from one topic to the other. I can definitely live like that forever (crossed fingers). Which reminds me of our earlier phase of relationship. We spent ages talking about our future: Where are we gonna be in 20 years time, talked about babies, me and my small cottage and huge garden, him with his hands around my waist and sometimes tickled me until tears filled my eyes with unstoppable laughter to name a few.

But the one that I will never ever forget will be tracing his masculine feature on his face using my pointing finger while he's asleep. Sometimes, I would whisper in his ears about things that I can't say right on his face and god knows how relieved I felt when I did that. I love to watch him sleep; his smooth breathing, his childish closed eyes, his lips which are irresistible and his fore head that I kiss while he was sleeping. GOd, I am so in love with this guy.

While I was lying thinking about my dream, I remembered the song we argued about yesterday. The title is: "Drama, Love and Relationship" by babyface. The moment he asked me to listen to the song was when we were recovering from an argument so it affected my liking to the song. I saw it in an emotional way that tuned my mindset for the song as injustice. The word "injustice" mentioned, refer to, well, a person who has done something wrong should not expect that the other party can take it in easily. It's never fair for the other party. Why? This is because the trust has been insulted and to trust again....?

But tonight, I have a different view of the song as I was writing this blog. Its a greater aspect that I couldn't see when I was blinded by anger and frustration. I see it differently now. At the end of the day, it is all about love and relationship. Is it worth it all the fights and questions I asked just to find out that I am actually in a mission to hurt myself by knowing things? Mr. Frank always reminds me that 'the things I don't know won't hurt me'. Still, I let him know every thing I do. why? Because

Number 1: it is called courtesy; with courtesy comes respect for the other party and thus prevent you from doing things that might hurt the relationship,

Number 2: If Mr. Frank finds out about something that I did, said or decided without telling him first, well you know what will happen and

Number 3: It is only fair to tell him my where about, who I am with and when I'll be coming back into his open arms so that he can spare the heartache and worries of him not knowing.

I don't know. But one thing for sure, I like the song actually. If I could face the previous heartache, pain, problems, anger (the list goes on) what makes me think that I can't face a few more?

If you think that is twisted...

I am going to share a secret with all of you. Now you see, I am not alone in my office - duhh!! of course! I have colleagues - Thats obvious too. To make things interesting one of my colleagues is my mother in law. Yes, you read that right - and that is just the beginning of my secret. She is our Training Manager. Now, that is not the only secret that I have. You see, She has an assistant. The assistant is a very good looking and the kind that melts people's heart easily. He's sweet, adorable and lovable. The only thing that you have to do is to dig all of his characters under his stern looking face. The assistant that I was talking about is my Mr. Frank! Hehehe... Yes, Im working with him too, in the same office!

It doesn't stop there. There are two companies that are residing in the same compound of the office. The other company is a cooperative. So it deals with orphans stuff that I am working some proposals for them. You see, when I handed in any proposal it will be read by the marketing personal of the organization. she then discusses the proposals with her superiors. Now, the person I meant is my sister in law (My brother's wife).

All the decisions will be made by the General Manager of the cooperative. She will decide which programme should be implemented first and think of the business aspects of the programme. She will call me for further explanation. We will discuss about the matter more specific as we go through the proposal. Now the best part of this is that, we can discuss this just about everywhere. In the office, meeting room, Restaurants and even in our living hall. Yes OUR living hall. The GM that I was talking about is my mother. Now how twisted and wicked is that?

A Personal Assisstant

My days now are more hectic than it used to. There are meetings to attend, discussion to head and decisions to be made. This practically casts out the word "life" in my working days - which is 5 days a week (it really depends though even on saturdays and sundays i have to attend meetings or social visits). It sucks I know...

So I have this vision as I was commuting to city center in the bullet. I looked out of the window where I could see trails of rain on the glass. I was worried. I have to walk to the meeting place and its raining. I pictured me walking, rain... wet... and meeting... Not a so good combination there. The vision was, having a personal assistant for me - the type that caters my needs and schedule and meetings arrangement and all that stuff. If I have one, I will not have to worry much about work stuffs. Everything I need is being served in a platter(maybe not silver, but a platter served is much better than buffet where you have to take food on your own).

Or maybe.... I can make full use of her, by adding a caption in the jobscope of the PA as: To bare in mind not to clash personal events with work related events. This is to make her remind me of my social events like my anniversary, birthdays, shopping weekends and even answering my mom's phone call (can I do that?).

I snorted myself but was a bit panic as I tried to figure out my where being. Phew. The station will the next after this coming station. so, I sat back and looked at my next seat. There is an empty seat next to me. If I have a PA, she/he can sit there. Accompanying me wherever I go. She/he can even eat breakfast/brunch/lunch/tea/dinner/supper with me. We can chat about work. Or, even better about something out of work once in awhile like gossips, bitching around or stories of my private life maybe once a month, or,twice a month, or, weekly basis or every other day... or every day... We can be best friends!

I stood in front of the door of the bullet, eager to get out of the bullet and thinking of how to reach the venue of my appointment on time. I still have 15 minutes but the rain, its getting wilder each minute. I stood at the edge of the pedestrian walk. I took out my phone and remembered that I ran out of credit. It will be wonderful If I have a PA. I will instruct her to postponed the meeting to 330pm instead of 3 pm. I don't have to worry about my credit or maybe I can even let her hold my phone so that whenever the credit is low she can top it up for me.

I smiled to myself. As I was punching the numbers of my client, a car drove by and splashed the accumulating water to my side of the pedestrian walk. I jumped and managed to escaped my so-called "near death experience". If I have a PA, I will definitely asked her/him to jot down the car registration number and sue that fella. She/he can deal with the lawyers and all the neat clerical work for me instead of me doing it by myself.

If I have a PA, it will be so cool.

"But 'If' is a strong word, it can be your friend and it can be your enemy too" I told myself. I survived doing all the work alone all this while, and what makes me think that I can't handle anything in my path next? So, I carved a knowing smile on my face and did the things I need to do. I called the numbers, talked to my client, looked left, right and left again, crossed the road reached the other end, a bus stop to a halt, sending water splashing on my G2000 pants and angrily stomping the pedestrian walk to my client's office. Reached her office, she asked: "Are you wet?"

I rest my case.

Tonight is the night....

I love Mr Frank. There's no question there. It's him and only him. Even if you lined up cute guys, school boys, hunks from magazine or ranch boys (except for Zac Afron) - none of them will work their magic to my heart. Its a sacred place designed for Mr. Frank Moore. Well 1 thing for sure I will never stop loving him even if I have an Impossible Mission to complete. He will always be that love I remember to the end of my life.

So, I was having tea with my mother in law and we started to share stories of our relationship. And it touched me so bad that I almost cried right there and then. She told me, "Frank cried a lot on the night when he visited me about two years ago. I never saw he cried that much before. And I know then you are so special to him," she took a sip of her latte and continued. "The news of you might have cancer devastated him. and I am glad that he loves you so much," she took another sip of her latte.

"He said that I don't wanna loose her, mom. I love her so much,"

And I realized how important I am to him. Holding back tears as hard as I could.

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don’t make me change my mind

I won’t live to see another day
I swear its true
Because a man like you is impossible to find
You’re impossible to find

I love you Mr. Frank

I had three dreams! (How cool is that?)

I laid on our bed, panting. I got cramps after making out with Mr. Frank. It was awesome. Especially when it is the second time for the day. Soon enough, Mr. Frank found me sleeping with soft snoring because I was extremely tired.

I had a dream last night. Three dreams altogether. They were not related but they surely seems real. For the first two dreams bring great joy to me and the third one, I mean, who knows. Dreams are just dreams right?

1) The guy from school.

So, to start with the first one, I should fill you in a bit about it. There was this guy in my high school long time ago who I was really keen on. He is tall, fair,Asian look and kinda well built body. He was a prefect in our school. So he was a hot stuff back then (I don't know what happened to him nowadays).

So I dreamed I went out with him yesterday and buying some house stuff in IKEA as if we are an item. He was wearing a white polo T and a baggy jeans and I was wearing my wild curls, essential make ups, a boot cut jeans and a tiny white t-shirt. We bought a beauty black lamp shades, mirrors, and some fabric products - I don't know what they were. After buying stuff, we walked to a restaurant and dine there. We talked about things and life, somethings that I can't share here (hehehe). He paid the bills and as we were walking out of the restaurant, he whispered to me, "trust me,". A smile on his face and some sort of flame in his eyes that I can feel in my soul and that was when I lost it all - He reached out his palm and gestured to me to take it with a really cute face. I didn't think twice and replied his invitation by reaching his palm and he secured my palm in his.

I woke up. Looked around, and felt guilty that I dreamed that. Mr. Frank was lying well in his slumber next to me. I hugged him.


2)My ex-students and a fishing trip.

I went back to sleep. Before long, I was in a place where a river was flowing beautifully in front of me, the river went from green to the sweetest blue I have ever seen as I trailed it to the bottom of the mountain at the far end. Suddenly, I heard familiar voices. One that reminded me of my teaching days. One that I left of about 1 year ago. They were all there. I mean the whole class was there. I noticed earlier that I had a bag with me. They were all calling me and asked me to join them by the river, doing something I love the most, FISHING! I grabbed my bag (as if I know I was equipped with a fishing rod) took out my fishing rod and put some bait and started to reel my rod. It went straight into the green water. Before long, I felt a bite on it and soon enough I was reeling it in as hard as I could. This is when my students laughed at me, my rod broke and the fish got away - at least that was what I thought. Well I thought wrong. The broken rod floated on the river and it settled not far from where I was standing. I chased it quietly and grabbed the rod and pull it out of water. The fish were unable to fight anymore. I was the happiest person there.

I woke up. a smile on my face for the great fish I caught - in my dream.

3) He wouldn't do that

I dreamed of Mr. Frank. He was SMSing someone but the weirdest part of it he didn't tell me who was it from. I could hear what he texted as he read it outloud. I felt left out. The words he used, was the like when he first wooing me. It broke my heart into pieces with the promises he uttered to the other person and I cried.

I woke up and felt that he was hugging me. I didn't know why I cried. It was just a dream, I told myself. He would have told me if he texted people. So, I went back to sleep.

The things i like to do

I hate the way I am now. I am self centered. I am the biggest liar on earth and most importantly I do not deserve what I have now. Like other people, I have my strengths and weaknesses. I am ordinary, there is nothing so extraordinary about me. I am a daughter, I am a sister and I am the lover. But I am never the same person I was once upon a time. The one that I always want to be.

I want to be the one that helps people all the time. Like when my neighbor needed a hand to help her with rearranging furniture, like that time when i have to baby sit my cousins when the mother is in the hospital. When my friends needed some money. But now, I can't do all of those things again. I am way to far from what I was.

The most painful fact will be I promised my dad that I will never changed. I know he loved me for who I am. Not so much of what I wanted to be. But what I was. I really really wish that I could turn back time.

The one for me

I was sitting alone with my sister in law, Mellisa Mason, and Mr. Frank left us after paying the bill(I like the sound of that).We chatted a bit before she said something that kept a smile in my heart the whole day. I was speechless at first but regained my cool back and handled the conversation smoothly.

"You are so lucky," She said.

"And why is that?" I asked. She turned and pointed to Mr. Frank as he walked to get into the bullet station. "Owh," I replied in surprise.

"He is a hearthrob. Many girls would die to get into your shoes,"

With that, I smiled. I can't ignore the fact that he is a good looking man, to be chosen as his wife, THAT sent me to the moon. I looked into her eyes and said "Well, He is a sweetie pie," before I continued with "I don't know how am I going to deal with living without him," I said my piece with a new feeling of adoration and got up to continue my unfinished task back in the office... with a huge smile on my face and in my heart - the whole day through.

I dropped my phone

I was standing in line, waiting for my turn, gossiping with my beloved hubby, Mr. Frank Moore via sms while he sat to reserve the table. It was about the waitress behind the counter of my line in KFC, Trafalgar Station. I was so into my texting when I looked around and almost stuck my nose on a lady behind me. Hence, I dropped the phone.

It was just like in the movie when the camera was following my rusty phone was falling down, in frame. It bounced once, twice and the third time it landed on a man's left foot two rows to my right. And everyone was watching me. I could even hear the crickets playing the violins.

The man picked it up, passed to the person in between us and that middle age woman passed it to me, from hand to hand. I could feel blood occupying each and every vessels in my face under my skin. I instantly knew that I was blushing. It will even embarrassing if Mr. Frank saw what had happened.

Slowly, but gracefully turned around, being very careful to not to stuck my nose on the lady behind me. Peeped over her large head and saw that Mr. Frank was happily texting my sister, Anna. I was relief that he didn't notice what had happened. As I turned around the waitress behind the counter was ready to take my order and she giggled as I jumped watching me and my antics.

Songs

I love to sing songs in the total opposite of what they are. I have no reasons for this. I just settled on the thoughts that I want people to hear what I sing and relate to what I want.

PD get away!

It was sunny and windy on the last day of our training in PD. The weather was rather soothing and the beach was authentically beautiful. The waves were crashing the shore like music complemented by the chirping sound of the morning sea birds. The sun was rising behind the hill which sheltered the resort that we are in. It was perfect.

It would be even better if Mr. Frank Moore could be here. I don't mind paying an extra amount of money for a room for the two of us. I imagined that we would make love until the sun rise and right then, I missed him so much.

I hammered a stick into the sandy beach of PD. A stick at each end and then I pulled the caution tape from one end to the other. It performed a line. It curved as the soothing but mighty wind blew the tape. I snorted to myself. I hammered in more sticks and at the end of 30 minutes, I have 4 curved lines. I giggled. I went to see my colleagues for the next-things-to-do task. The participants came in groups.

The Telematch went on smoothly. The winner was an exceptional group of liars - Venus, but we did have tremendous fun by the beach! And I really wish that Mr. Frank Moore was here. After the prize giving ceremony, we packed, had our lunch and headed back to our headquarter. I love the beach and I really wish that he could be there with me.

Pain

I pulled up my sleeves up to my elbow, trying hard to concentrate on the work that i have to finish before our training begins on Thursday. I fold the sleeves nicely, pulling up my slim cut neck tie up looking appropriate and put down my Gucci glasses on the table next to my lappie, wiped sweat using the back of my palm and looked at the screen again. The bruises on my arms are getting better but the pain in my veins and my joints are getting worse.My eyes were filled with clear substance resulted from trying my best to look calm. I wiped them off.

I started typing. I want to get over and done with these works and go home. I said to myself. The pain was unbearable. I forced myself to think and type more words into the proposal. I pulled away my hands from the keyboard and thought for awhile. I recollected why I am in this painful situation. I saw the reason why I did this and smile at the screen of my lappie and soon enough the pain subsided. There is nothing more I want then to do this to make it happen and please my own fantasy. If this is the price I have to pay than I'll pay it as I Should.

what happened to my dreams?

I was all alone, scared and petrified in my seat. I took off my glasses, put it down next to my make-up bag and inhaled as deep as I could. I looked at my screen. There were 7 windows at the bottom of the screen. I opened one after the other. I am getting used to the fact that there are many things to be done. This project, that project another project in December and my marketing plan throughout the year of 2009. I stopped scanning, looking at the progress of each work. I am proud of myself to be in this position. I am reaching others' dreams.

I pictured my mom in my head. What a disappointment I have been to her. Its not that I wanted it but, situation was kinda tough. I had to work and at the same time be around her whenever she needs me and fullfiling her dreams for me, which sometimes I just can't do it for her. Its not that I am complaining or anything. Its just that, sometimes it makes me wonder how about what I need, what I want and how I feel. She is the reason why I am working my ass off. And I am really afraid that with the job I have given her, can she cope with it? Yea, people always tell her how good I dress up for ocassions and work. Others might think that I dress myself nicely and thus relating that I shop a lot. But the truth is, I went shopping when I have Extra money and when there is a sale going on. The rest of the salary fritz into thin air and sometimes I don't even have the chance to taste it. For one time in life, I just want to shop like nobody's business and spend the money as I may. But I realized, that won't happen in the near future.

I slid the picture of my mom from my head and replaced that with my brother, Edmund Moore. Questions rushed my head. Can u really take care of your future fiance'? Can you really survive the world. I know the fact that you are a survivor - one that is stronger than I am. But, to get married so soon? I am starting to admire Melissa Mason's company and to love her like my own sister... I am really afraid that if this doesn't work out good than it's going to break my heart to. I am planning to save a few hundreds per months to be given to Edmund to help him with raising money to get married. But, My greatest fear is to see him sad and grumpy and angry. I want him the way he was before Baba passed away. Someone that is cheerful and capable to make other people laugh like there is no tomorrow. I miss him so much.

I put the picture of Edmund in my head and replaced it with the picture of Adrian Moore with my eyes closed. He's so small that he doesn't know what is happening. He is vulnerable to the real world and I don't know how to deal with that. I might not be able to be there for him all the time. so does everyone. I just hope he matures a bit faster that he can take care of himself. I love to buy him toys. I love to spoil him with sweets and books and most importantly with laughter and love. I just can't promise him that I can take care of him until the end of time. I can't. And it hurts to hear people say that I don't love him. The fact is, I love him more than I love my dreams that I shattered most of them to give him what I could.

I love Mr. Frank Moore, undeniably. But what if, what if my time is over that I have to move on? I don't want to go, at least not yet. I have plans for us. But now I am not sure that I can execute the plans because I am not sure of the plans myself. He knows how I hate unexpected things and that I hate changes. One thing for sure, without a single doubt, I am going to be here next to him until the last breathe of mine. I have loved him unconditionally and I hope I will love him still in the future to come. There is nothing more I want to do just to be with you - even if that means giving up my dreams.

Enlightenment

I waved at the taxi, fished inside my lappie bag, a taxi stop to a halt in front of the taxi stand, I opened the door, slid in, closed the door and continued fishing in my lappie bag. Where the hell is my fisherman's friend?" I asked myself.

"Where are we heading mam?" said the taxi driver.

I was about to snort, but then pushed aside the idea of it, said my apologies, and stated that I need to go to the nearest Bullet Station. He pressed the meter button and drove off.

He constantly looked into his rear view mirror - which spooked me. Suddenly, I remembered something; fight fire with fire I stared back at him. He looked and tried to say something. I was engaged in finding my fisherman's friend. Finally, I decided to stop searching, sink into the comfy seat and looked outside the window and... got a questioned from the taxi driver.

"So, you are trying to make it go away,"he said.

"Desperately!"I uttered, half shouting.

"Sometimes, things change and you have to accept the fact that they are changing," He added.

"Well, I am extremely afraid of changes. Its not that I can't adapt. I adapt wonderfully in various situation. But, I am afraid if situations are changing me," I explained.

"Well, you know what they say, you have to loose some to win some," He said with a broad smile on his face. He continued "Another thing is, sometimes we are conditioned to a certain way of life, we forget that there are others out there who are totally different from our belief. And sometimes, I think, we need to listen to them so that we will have an insight of what to come and sometimes the best way to deal with changes is to leave them at the beginning of it so you wont get hurt," he said.

"Nothing is inevitable," I said slowly.

"Exactly. And you,you are strong enough to move forward if you believe in what you do best," He said, pulling off at the bullet station. I handed him 10 bugs note, he refused the fare politely and I staggered as I climbed down from the taxi.

I saw my friend, Martin, and talked to him for awhile. He said that he has been waiting for a taxi and I said to him that he missed one, a good one. But he said that he has been waiting for a taxi for about fifteen minutes and that I am still funny after all of these years. He snorted and I left him to wait for the taxi as I confusedly walking to buy the ticket of the bullet thinking, I rode a taxi just now.

The months to come...

i flipped open my lappie, sat down, took off my new Gucci Sunglasses and pressed the on button of the lappie. I stood up, walked to the water dispenser and poured in some cold water in my mug. I drank it all at once after making sure that nobody's watching. and filled it full again and trotted to my room, sat down and the lappie's screen was still black. I was starting to panicked. I pressed the button again. It ceased to switch on. I look at the button... I smiled... and literally said 'idiot' to myself. Hehehe. I pressed the wrong button.

I am extremely happy as I calculated my new salary for the next few months. By the end of November I will get a 100 percent raise. And by January I will have another raise of 50 percent of the amount that I will have in December. Hehehe... All of the sudden, pictures of new dresses, pants, vests and shirts that I saw in a magazine came to mind. I was excited, extremely excited that i didn't realize that Mrs. N was standing right next to me.

"Are you staring at a blank screen?" She asked.

"Gucci, Miss60, Topshop, LV," I uttered.

"Excuse me," she said in a concern tone.

"I am sorry," I said, apologetically and embarrassed at the same time.

"You should give yourself night out or what not, don't you think so?"

"I have a lot of things to be done," I replied. Amused at the thought that I haven't switched the lappie on.

"Yeah, I figured," she continued. "Maybe I can find you an assistant,"

I smiled at her, and snorted a bit as she walked back to her office.

I love my job.

Absolutely busy..

I breathe in, a bit, looking at the screen of my lappie, happy but exhausted, stretched a little, closed my eyes, an flipped it open again. It was amazingly demanding in finding money - more money. I stretched a bit more, pushing the back of my chair - lost my balance and staggered, almost fell i regain my composure, looked around and thankful that nobody's watching. I giggled alone as I sat on the chair. Hehehe. I giggled again and again.

I lowered the screen as I sat there. I thought about Mr. Frank, I pity him for his small birthday celebration. I really want to make him happy. I do. But...

"MARTHA!" came like thunder the voice of Mrs. N. I got up, straighten my body hugging shirt from Padini, buttoned my vest from AX, and walked out of my room. Strolled across the office and entered Mrs. N room. She was busy typing with eyes locked on the lappie's screen.

"Sit," She said.

"Yup," I replied.

"Is everything ready for the initiation meeting tonight?" She asked. I know where this led to.

"As far as I am concerned, yes," I said, I sounded more confident than when I was first here.

"can u explain this?" she handed me the registration form.

"what's wrong with it?" she shifted her attention from the screen straight into my eyes.

"tell me, how can we contact them?" She started to sound like an agent in "The Bourne Identity"

Shit

Wait... Thats not part of my job scope. I smiled, looked at her in the eyes, and shifted my attention to the board behind her.

"Mrs. N, I want you to turn around and take a good look at the board," She did exactly that.

"SUE!!!!!" she yelled. And the princess left the building smiling from ear to ear - a short lived one, because she still has to finish up her script as the MC for tonight. hahaha.

Touched

I read 2 blogs just now. Each touched me so deep that tears were shed. I was lying on my bed browsing the net in my pink silk pj and watching the latest super hot video from BRITNEY SPEARS entitled WOMANIZER in youtube.com. It struck me that after reading the first blog, that one way or another, I always leave an impact to everyone that I know. Mr. Frank always agrees with me on that - well, it can be that he wants me to feel special, I don't know.

But back to the first blog; http://whenelse.blogspot.com. I just can't stop blaming myself for being a jerk that is now a problem to one of my closest friends. I took some facial tissue by the side of my bed and slowly directing it to my face and wiped off tears on my cheeks. I'm sorry pumpkin for troubling you with my relationship problems.

I read her entry entitled 'EDDIE', it's amazingly sweet. When you read the words, you can actually feel the love that she has for him. It is refreshing to feel that kind of emotion. I really want to feel that too. I am trying hard to cast out the new infatuation that I have before it begins to rule my life. So, tough time.

The second blog taught me of what true love means. Through this address http://whowillwebecome.blogspot.com I read and inferred about how true love works and at the same time to carry on living the life that you have to the fullest.

These two blogs made me cry and they were really really meaningful to me, especially in times like this.

What the HELL...

I went back from my in-law's house. Taking the train back to my place after having 17 students from Mr. Frank's school. I switched from train to bullet at Trafalgar Square Station. With much temptation I ignored City Centre Station bottling all the emotion I had inside and decided to continue with the bullet. I wonder whether or not the guy who I gave my card to will do something about it. I closed my eyes and heard the bullet resumed its routine.

A walk to remember

So, someone stole my car and its hard now for me to commute from one place to another. I just received my bonus and I was planning to take Mr. Frank out and about. I know the two don't make a good combination, so I decided to wait until later that evening. While we were checking out my balance in the account I was extremely excited to find out that my cheque was cleared. With this in mind I suggested Mr. Frank one of our favourite past times - dining at Mc Donald. So, without hesitation, we started to walk the sidewalk to the nearby Mc Donald. We talked about a lot of things while we were walking there. We talked about our highlights of the day as if it has been ages we haven't met.

The truth is, I miss living with him or in a more precise manner of explaining this will be: I miss to have him around all the time. Eversince I landed myself the new job, I have been busy to pace up with the new routine and the new world that I have just entered. Being an Executive in Marketing and Bussiness Development really is a hard work. I have to learn to think on my own and to actually plan the progression of the company is a huge responsibility on my shoulder. Soon enough the company will be having one of its many expansion plan. With this in mind I will have to be extremely fit to face both seen an unseen challenges. somehow or rather it scares me when it comes to changes.

After our dinner at Mc Donald, we walked towards a shopping mall which was 10 minutes walk. Mr. Frank accompanied me to look for new phone and my heart sank at the sight of Motorola Razr V9. Its sleek, professional and looks complicated, in which represent who I am. I will soon get it within three months time - thats my new objective in this game called life.

As we were walking back to the house, thoughts were running through my head as my unconcious mind reverted to the matter of work - again. I am really afraid of the thought that I can't handle the changes. What if I change into someone I dont want to be. What if Mr. Frank and I are not meant to be for each other. And what if this is just a dream I longed to wake up only to realize that this is just a beginning. I am afraid that I wont be able to be an angel all the time, as I took another step forward, almost reaching home. I said to myself, "many years from now, I shall remember this moment and I know instantly that this event will be a walk to remember," My fears and uncertainties follow me as I close the door of my apartment behind me.

The bullet...

It was 716am and I was among the lined up passengers at Stockshore Station waiting for my turn to get into the bullet. As usual, we - the passengers, stood patiently looking at the front most passengers get into limited space of the bullet and held their breath to tug their tummy inward so they wont be rejected by the bullet. And, of course, I smiled to the thought of that.

Well, the line behind me lengthen rapidly from the past minute. There was a middle-aged woman behind me and a cute bloke behind her and an asian lady holding a cup of coffee sealed to perfection to ensure that it was safe for boarding. As I studied the rest of the line, I realized that there were many men in my line and that it would definitely be awkward in the sardined bullet. My mind was running wild thinking of appointments today as I was reaching closer to the one of many mouths of the bullet.

Today, I decided to wear my pumps with pure silver rings from Guess - its black by the way. A knee-length, sleek looking skirt and a black shirt to go with that. I did my hair using a white hair band, tied it with a simple bow at the back of my hair and let my curls loose with the extras of the hairband reached the top of my skirt. I put on my Britney Spears' "Believe" to essentuate my morning as motivation. My lappie bag was safe as I guarded it at the pit of my elbow - it was heavy though, good as a form of an exercise for my hands. The speaker announced the arrival of my bullet in a few minutes and I was ready to crashed the bullet.

The bullet finally arrived. As the door opened for me, I gasped. It was filled with men. As I squeezed in I knew that the others behind me managed to sardinized themselves into the bullet, including the cute guy and the asian lady. The hungry mouth of the bullet consumed the eager and ever so willing passengers and sped off. When the squeezing took place I managed to turned and saw the whole scenario behind me. I was just standing behind the middle-aged lady and the cute bloke was now right next to me. The asian lady was exactly in front of him - holding the sealed polysterine cup.

As the bullet halt to a stop to another station, more passengers pushed and rushed into the bullet until the middle aged lady stepped on my shoes. I couldn't move so I said "You are stepping on my shoes," politely with a smile. She didn't even looked at me. I repeated myself, this time around a little louder. She did not make any effort to lift her old ballerinas from my highly pumps. My toes were beginning to ache. I couldnt take it anymore. So I tapped her shoulder and this time I blurted out my pain from my toes and spoke it out - loud enough to attract attention of the passengers of the neighbouring carriages. "Excuse me, but I think YOU are standing on my left foot!" I said. She looked at me, and then, she put her palms together, looked at me and look at my shoes. She stepped away from my foot and then she shaked her hands, apologizing I guessed. Then she pointed to her ears and then shake her hands. Less that I know, she is deaft and dumb. I heard giggles around me and I heard the loudest laugh from the cute bloke next to me. I was agitated as the bullet resumed its journey.

As the bullet reached Trafalgar Square Station, the crowd was even more than other station. The cute bloke irritated me through glances and snorts and smiles. The building in crowd left us bump to bump and hump to hump with each other. The rushing people pushed and pushed until the door shut and the bullet roared to the next station. My station was soon to come and so I was happy to get out of this mess. When I said mess it means mess and I left the bullet with a broad smile on my face.

The cute bloke, was bathed in coffee as the crowd pushed and the lady accidentally pushed against his white with pink shirt.

One hell of a day...

So, I drove my boss (which I shall not reveal her name here or she will start to ask for some amount of money - so lets stick to Ms N for her) to the head office of Airports Holding Limited before shooting off to make a few visitations to a few police stations for a few reports. Then i went to pick Mr Frank Moore and then both of us went to pick my boss' son from boarding school. what a tiring day....

And someone stole her car

Mr Frank Moore woke me up with a broad smile on his handsome face. I tried to open my eyes but i just couldn't. He tickled me and I laughed. He was ready to leave for work and he always kisses me before he goes to work. Hehehe. He took my car key - he told me that he will be using my car today. it will be a half an hour drive from our home to his school - yes, he is a teacher.

We exchanged goodbye and "love you" and he left. I grabbed my towel and went to the bathroom and showered. It was quite cold today so I didn't take too much time in the bathroom and wiped off my body dry. I walked to the hair drier and as i was just switching it on, my phone rang. the number identification showed Pa...Luv2 so i picked up the phone.

"Honey, err... i know this is silly, but, where did you park the car?" he said, shaky and almost panic.
"Common area, behind the car park podium," I said.
"I think the car is not here," he replied, sounding more dramatic from just now.
"What do you mean, its not there?" I replied.
"Its NOT here!" he said sounding more and more impatient.
"I'm coming down," I rushed into my room put on a shirt and walked out of my walk-in closet. I turned back in, grabbed my black tights and put it on as I half-hopping and half-walking to the front door. In my mind, all i can think is what a series of bad luck this week... and someone stole my car.

The Phone Call

The phone call that i received left me sitting at the edge of my bed - comforter around my tiny body feeling the chill from the inside out and staring into the mirror that watches me sleep every night. I understand the fact that i have to focus on the most important thing in my life now- MY OWN SELF. It took me sometimes to realize that although Mr. Frank Moore kept on whining about it since we got married 2 years ago. Well, i guess god has to teach me that the hard way. I looked at the bed, empty. Turned back to the mirror and sighed.

I stood up walk to the door, grabbed my towel and felt something inside me. It grew so slowly after I put down the receiver. But, it became more vivid as the clock ticked. I became more sure that the feeling was what i thought it was. I smiled and walked to the bathroom. with each step, my smile grew wider. once I closed the door of the bathroom behind me, I was more than certain that a burden was lifted off my shoulder. I am happy.

Oversized

So it was a fine Tuesday morning when i walked out of my apartment and waved for taxi. There goes one, passing me with a stern looking passenger looking out of the window which scared me to death. But that didn't stop me to wave again, and a taxi changed lanes almost hitting another car. Then the car honked at the taxi and they ended up at the side walk wrestling on the ground. I waved again, this time i looked at my hand up to my fingers... and i went wide eyed.

I turned to the entrance of my apartment, snorted to the bell boy, ran to the lift with my black high-cut boots, pressed the buttoned for a millionth time, braved the out coming passengers like a fish going against the powerful current and sighed as I pressed the button of my floor - 1oth floor. I adjusted my bra only to realize that there is a man at the corner of the lift. I wondered if he noticed what I just did. Slowly, i turned around to look at that guy, red faced and smiled. He smiled back with this "I-saw-what-you-did" kinda look and I abruptly turned. The door opened and I rushed out.

I started walking away from the cubicle of embarrassment and heard the elevator closed. I sped up with the thought of getting into the meeting room fashionably late with class. I mean, I'm wearing my Jimmy Choo's high cut boots and would someone tell me how the hell is that not coming fashionably late WITH CLASS. Then i heard footsteps behind me. I tried to glimpse but i could not make out the figure. I fasten my trot, and reach the door of my apartment. I tried to push in the key but it wont go in. To my fear, the figure that was following me touched my shoulder. I screamed.

Welcome...

Let me tell you a little secret: this is my channel to distress after a long tiring day at work and of course running chores as an obedient housewife and all the duties listed with it. So, what to expect from this? Lies, angers, frustration and discontentment, and so you guess. But the moment you step into my life through my blog, you will view my life differently as you realize that I am more than just a name. As it goes on, you'll see the many colours of me, in which tells you about who I really am and things around me and situations I face.

Most of the entries are fiction added but not so much so that it alters the real situation. One thing i would like to remind you is that, living is hard. Adding imagination and creativity on these reflections of mine will make me feel better and be ready as the new sun as it shines.

The title of this entry is so much so not to welcome others, instead, it actually welcomes me as I turn a new page of my life. One that will record all my experiences like others. What makes it different? That's because I am Ms Martha Moore.