what happened to my dreams?

I was all alone, scared and petrified in my seat. I took off my glasses, put it down next to my make-up bag and inhaled as deep as I could. I looked at my screen. There were 7 windows at the bottom of the screen. I opened one after the other. I am getting used to the fact that there are many things to be done. This project, that project another project in December and my marketing plan throughout the year of 2009. I stopped scanning, looking at the progress of each work. I am proud of myself to be in this position. I am reaching others' dreams.

I pictured my mom in my head. What a disappointment I have been to her. Its not that I wanted it but, situation was kinda tough. I had to work and at the same time be around her whenever she needs me and fullfiling her dreams for me, which sometimes I just can't do it for her. Its not that I am complaining or anything. Its just that, sometimes it makes me wonder how about what I need, what I want and how I feel. She is the reason why I am working my ass off. And I am really afraid that with the job I have given her, can she cope with it? Yea, people always tell her how good I dress up for ocassions and work. Others might think that I dress myself nicely and thus relating that I shop a lot. But the truth is, I went shopping when I have Extra money and when there is a sale going on. The rest of the salary fritz into thin air and sometimes I don't even have the chance to taste it. For one time in life, I just want to shop like nobody's business and spend the money as I may. But I realized, that won't happen in the near future.

I slid the picture of my mom from my head and replaced that with my brother, Edmund Moore. Questions rushed my head. Can u really take care of your future fiance'? Can you really survive the world. I know the fact that you are a survivor - one that is stronger than I am. But, to get married so soon? I am starting to admire Melissa Mason's company and to love her like my own sister... I am really afraid that if this doesn't work out good than it's going to break my heart to. I am planning to save a few hundreds per months to be given to Edmund to help him with raising money to get married. But, My greatest fear is to see him sad and grumpy and angry. I want him the way he was before Baba passed away. Someone that is cheerful and capable to make other people laugh like there is no tomorrow. I miss him so much.

I put the picture of Edmund in my head and replaced it with the picture of Adrian Moore with my eyes closed. He's so small that he doesn't know what is happening. He is vulnerable to the real world and I don't know how to deal with that. I might not be able to be there for him all the time. so does everyone. I just hope he matures a bit faster that he can take care of himself. I love to buy him toys. I love to spoil him with sweets and books and most importantly with laughter and love. I just can't promise him that I can take care of him until the end of time. I can't. And it hurts to hear people say that I don't love him. The fact is, I love him more than I love my dreams that I shattered most of them to give him what I could.

I love Mr. Frank Moore, undeniably. But what if, what if my time is over that I have to move on? I don't want to go, at least not yet. I have plans for us. But now I am not sure that I can execute the plans because I am not sure of the plans myself. He knows how I hate unexpected things and that I hate changes. One thing for sure, without a single doubt, I am going to be here next to him until the last breathe of mine. I have loved him unconditionally and I hope I will love him still in the future to come. There is nothing more I want to do just to be with you - even if that means giving up my dreams.