Things I WANT

1) Get a new car
2) Make sure that I start saving some money (in insurance, fixed acc, or what not)
3) Get a new Phone (erm... I'm targeting Motorola V9, LG Ice Cream, or SE Z555i)
4) Go vacation!
5) Make lotsa money!
6) Be happier with what I have rather than what I dont
7) Make the best out time. Cause I have a limited time off.

A year numbered with combination of 2-0-0-8

The year has finally come to an end as the new dawn of 2009 approaches, with new visions and spirit as they will eventually faded soon enough.

2008

I'm not blaming the things that happened but I really appreciate the things that happened; they make me stronger everyday. Combination of events that show me the true meaning of life.

The thing is, I don't really like 2008. It is a year of sacrifices for me. I had gone through a lot and some of them I really don't want to repeat them. Its like a paranoia to me and things are getting worse. I let things come and I don't control them anymore. In exchange I let situations control me. It's a new way of adapting to my surrounding. Struggling real hard to at least have a meaning in my everyday life. I want to continue to give as I am giving people around me and sometimes I can feel the heat residing in my both cheeks. I just hope that all of this can be forgotten so that I can move on.

I lost my car. I had to continue study elsewhere so I can earn some money. I let myself down by making other people's day. I gave up my freedom by inviting my mom into the same compound of my working space. I gave up my feelings so that people around me can get what they want. And do people ask me what I want for myself? Think again.

It is not totally a suck year though. I learned a lot of things out of the sacrifices that I have to go through. I learned to never ask for what you want because it will always turned you down - Giving without asking a favor in return.

I reached two year anniversary with Mr Frank. I was the happiest person when the clock stroke 12 on the 18th of August. I am proud of myself for things I've done to stay in this relationship. I am blessed that I can still survive everyday with the love of my love. It is not too much if i say this, I am eager to sacrifice for this love that I am having as I have been through with the greatest test in my life in regards of love. So anything else won't matter after this - yes people, that includes my dreams because I can't answer Anna's question of what do you wanna do for your own self right now and up to now, I don't have the answer yet. So live as life comes. Expect the unexpected. My stories of happiness and sadness are with my lovely sister - Anna.

Anna R is a blessing in my life. I got to know her of about a year ago and ever since we were as close as twins. There are happy times we went through together. She was there all year round. She listened to my heart and soul; all my pains and all my hopes. She is the best thing I have ever had in my life. And working with her is so awesome!

I love my work! I love my job! It's the best thing that I could ever wish for. It keeps me happy even in the deepest and darkest valley. I am hooked up with my works.

Basically it is not that bad. I kinda love it. It means so much to me that I will never forget 2008. NEVER THINK OF GETTING FOR THINGS YOU HAVE GIVEN OR DONE.

The year has finally come to an end as the new dawn of 2009 approaches, with new visions and spirit as they will eventually faded soon enough.

Tuberose

Mr. Frank knows my obsession towards plants - and specifically tuberose. The smell is amazing especially when night takes it turn as day gives way. Pretty white buds of tuberose from long greenish stalks prettified the natural order of its own in its own way.

People asked me frequently why do I love tuberose so much. I don't know how to answer that. All I can think of is how it is similar to the nature that I was born with. People won't like me until they get to know me - just like tuberose; they can't smell the sweet scent unless they really know them. They are different from other flowers as they only scented during the night. Maybe then, if they have the patience to wait, they appreciate the flower. To others, who has lack of knowledge, they won't even notice that tuberose exists - and they are in great loss.

today, he bought me 4 stalks of tuberose and I was so excited. I mean, the flower represents who I really am. Think again....

Time Ticks Fast

Before I realized it, Edmund is getting married next year. He's big enough but I can't stop myself from trying to cut down the mixed emotion that is building in. He WILL get married next year. How fast time ticks and that all around me people are changing and So am I. And I take them in as I look at life differently from what I did previously. A process of growing up.

Congratulation to me!

As I was walking in the dark cinema, I realized something - I am actually doing something good for myself. I am trying hard to stop smoking!The realization occupied my mind and I stepped on a Chinese lady's foot, wobbled I hit the head of a movie patron in the lower seating before stepping on Anna's foot and I sat on my chair in embarrassment covering my face with both palms. And The Spirit was rather dull!

I am trying hard to stop smoking for the second time in my life. I have stopped once, a year before I met Mr. Frank and then of about 7 or 8 months ago the urges were so strong I gave in. I started smoking openly and before I knew it I smoked a lot.

Now, for the past a few weeks, I have decided to stop smoking. Now, people said that, its hard to quite but know this, I am now holding a ciggie box of 10 days with four more ciggies in it. I know its not a big achievement yet, but hey, I am making some sort of improvement here.

So much so, I would like to congratulate myself for that!

Just...

When he passes me by, he's a ray of light
Like the first drop of sun from the sky
And I know he's a king, who deserves a queen
But i'm not a Queen
And he doesn't see me

When he dances he moves me to a smile
I see everything near his shine
There is a grace in his ways I can't contain
I don't have that grace
So he doesn't see me

And the closer I get I can't help but hide
So ashamed of my body and voice
There are boundaries we pass in spite of the war
But our own, we can't seem to cross

She has a way that surrounds him, so delicate
With a glory that reigns in his life
She is also so much that he is not
But these things they don't see
And he doesn't see me

There are things we can change if we just choose to fight
But the walls of injustice are high

When he passes me by, he's a ray of light
Like the first drop of sun from the sky

And i know hes a king who deserves a queen
Someone other than me
Different from me
He doesn't see me
He doesn't see me

Hehehe...

Sleepily I dragged my feet out of the bullet, hanged my lappie bag on my shoulder and started to climb the stairs to the ticket machines. I could see a lot of people started to pile up at the ticket machines. Great. I told myself. There was no station officer. So, we were stuck there. I push the intercom - no answer. Passengers were getting really upset and a mak cik of about 56 years old squatted and crawled under the blocker of the machine. And others started to follow. Soon enough you can see a lot of acts of avoiding the steel blocker. you can see people go over the blocker underneath it and the side of it. Mr. Frank went under while I went to the side. He said "You are lucky to have small thighs,".

The Stain just won't go off!

Imagine this: Tonnes of Invitation has been sent. RSVP's has been recieved. Food has been ordered. As I was writing this down, our staff are working hard in completing the handouts for presentation - a bag consisting a mini proposal, general information of our company, . A hi-tea presentation to be exact. Something that i have been working really hard for. And then, something happened.

3.21 pm received an email:

Pls note this email on the status of yr request for using *&*.

I have not given any official permission or ok on this as per my email to you below as there are many matters to discuss wth my superiors before I can conclude the decision.

Meanwhile, pls also look elsewhere for yr event to be held. TQ.

I started panicking. But I gathered my composure together and proceeded with my on going tasks. Less that I realize, it was 1 hour and 36 minutes later that screwed up my day

4.57 pm received another email that says:

Dear Martha,

Thank you for your interest in our facilities. Unfortunately, we are NOT able to provide the use of our premise as requested. We hope that you are able to secure another venue for this event and we wish you all the best.

I screamed and the whole office dropped everything they were doing turned and looked at me acting like a woman with middle life crisis. I sank in my chair.

And That is Strike Two!

I was striding with my heels across the bustling south wing of Deep Valley City when I saw a familiar face. She smiled at me waved and I waved back. She is my aunt. She works as a Personal Assistant in an advertising company. She was wearing Giordano red T-shirt covered with a jeans jacket with her loose baggy jeans. She greeted me with a huge smile and we hugged. So, I chatted with her for awhile and soon we said our goodbyes.

With contented heart, I trotted back to where I came from - the bullet station. As I was cautiously avoiding kids, cute boys, parents, grandmas and grandpas, I passed a super cute boy. He stared and my heart beats like the sound of the wheels of a locomotive train. Then, realization stroke! I know that boy, or at least he seems familiar. I tried hard to recollect as I waltzed through the throngs of people.

"I remember him!" I said to myself embarrassed, excited and afraid. I stood still in the rapid flow of crowds, turned around and searched for him. He saw that I turned around smiled and changed direction. He started to fight the rapid flow of people. I started panicking. I moved to the side and stood in front of a clothing store.

I rubbernecked the flow to see where he was. In his journey to me, he pushed a boy away from his path, stood still to give way to an Arab family which spoke so loud that even I can memorize what they were saying and hit a wheelchair of an old lady and fell. He finally stood in front of me. He is a bit taller than I am, hair was covering his right eyes, a faded straight line of scar above his cheekbones and left eyes, neatly shaved, nice smell - I think he wore Pacco Rabbanne (however I spell that) he was wearing a light green Polo T, and a dark-green-almost-black knee length short and a pair of Nike(I don't know the type).

"Hey," he said.

"Hi," half dead already.

"erm, can I Have your number?" He asked.

And what I did?

I walked away.

In the middle of the night...

I woke up again, in the middle of the night, and I don't like it. I tried hard to sleep but then, they refused to keep shut. I forced myself up, stood by the side of my bed, scratched my bum and walked slowly out of my room. I went straight to the kitchen; my aim was the fridge. I took a bottle of coke, open the cap and took a few gulp down my throat. I put it back and stared at the toilet. Got in, relieved myself and went back to lay quietly on my bed. I just can't do it. I can't sleep.

I flipped open my lappie, sat on my bed, waited for the best creation of human life to run and went online. I clicked the internet button and entered the world without boundaries. I typed out YOUTUBE and searched for Britney Spears (I am a fan, so don't laugh).

Her new album is superb. The music is edgier but safe, the voice is more confident than ever, the songs are well arranged, I mean that's what I think it sounds like. Usually when I am in youtube, I don't browse for the usual clippings or videos. I searched for something I haven't see previously. I typed down womanizer. There are quite a few and some of them are quite lousy. I watched her so-called "live" performance and I have this to say to myself: she works hard for this album and we know that for the first week of the launching of the album, she sold 500k copies already. Isn't that fabulous, which inspires me. She fell from grace big time and now she is back better than what she was. If she can do it why can't I. A normal person who is trying to make it big in her life. I took my time and wrote this entry.

I'm tired...

Lately, I have been pushing myself harder than a few months ago. I went for this meeting, that meeting, more proposals, more planning and god knows what. And as we speak I am listing down the programmes for a very important customer. I need a break. But there are too many things that I am worried about. And to leave the job to someone else? I mean can I? They were not there when I discussed the details of the programmes, leave alone knowing their likes and dislikes. Catering their needs and providing personalized programmes for them are the biggest challenge. Yes, I am tied up to the work that I am doing. It is both pleasuring and agonizing. But I have to do what I have to do, right? I just hope that some people would understand that and respect that and for once make ME happy. Well now, One thing for sure - I am tired.

STOP staring at my B****

Well, I have to admit that there's something going on between me and public transportation. Something must go wrong, embarrassing or funny. I don't really know how all of this happened but that's always the case.

Recently (not so recent though), about a week ago. I took the bullet to work from an agonizing meeting. As usual, there was no empty seat so I had to stand but it wasn't too packed. I rested my back on a glass panel, the bullet's door was on my right. There was a mother with a child opposite of me,one of those immigrant looking. They stood right in front of me before walking out of the bullet at the next station. Once they walked out I took a closer look at my outfit.

I was wearing a short dress; sweet pink, black belt from Vincci and a black Clark's sleek stiletto. I let my wild curl rested on my shoulders. To complete this look, I brought my Gucci handbag and I think, I think I still looked perfect after a stretched meeting about training programmes.

I looked up. A young adult of about 15 or 16 was looking straight at me. That is an understated statement. He was looking at my b****. I made a disgusted look on my face. He just wouldn't stop staring at them. I started to feel uncomfortable. I shifted from side to side but his expressions made me feel harassed - sexually. I thought that was the worst part. No, It wasn't. The other passengers were looking at him looking at me. I started to feel blood rushing to my face and the boy laughed, looking right into my eyes as if he was having a hard on but then it changed to something in between adoration and teenager-in-love kinda look. One thing went through my mind: this kid had never seen b**** before.

Drama, Love and Relationship

I dreamed of Mr. Frank and I. We were so happy; happier than what we are now. It was beautiful. We hold hands, talk for ages and just sit in a cafe and took in the environment as we ventured from one topic to the other. I can definitely live like that forever (crossed fingers). Which reminds me of our earlier phase of relationship. We spent ages talking about our future: Where are we gonna be in 20 years time, talked about babies, me and my small cottage and huge garden, him with his hands around my waist and sometimes tickled me until tears filled my eyes with unstoppable laughter to name a few.

But the one that I will never ever forget will be tracing his masculine feature on his face using my pointing finger while he's asleep. Sometimes, I would whisper in his ears about things that I can't say right on his face and god knows how relieved I felt when I did that. I love to watch him sleep; his smooth breathing, his childish closed eyes, his lips which are irresistible and his fore head that I kiss while he was sleeping. GOd, I am so in love with this guy.

While I was lying thinking about my dream, I remembered the song we argued about yesterday. The title is: "Drama, Love and Relationship" by babyface. The moment he asked me to listen to the song was when we were recovering from an argument so it affected my liking to the song. I saw it in an emotional way that tuned my mindset for the song as injustice. The word "injustice" mentioned, refer to, well, a person who has done something wrong should not expect that the other party can take it in easily. It's never fair for the other party. Why? This is because the trust has been insulted and to trust again....?

But tonight, I have a different view of the song as I was writing this blog. Its a greater aspect that I couldn't see when I was blinded by anger and frustration. I see it differently now. At the end of the day, it is all about love and relationship. Is it worth it all the fights and questions I asked just to find out that I am actually in a mission to hurt myself by knowing things? Mr. Frank always reminds me that 'the things I don't know won't hurt me'. Still, I let him know every thing I do. why? Because

Number 1: it is called courtesy; with courtesy comes respect for the other party and thus prevent you from doing things that might hurt the relationship,

Number 2: If Mr. Frank finds out about something that I did, said or decided without telling him first, well you know what will happen and

Number 3: It is only fair to tell him my where about, who I am with and when I'll be coming back into his open arms so that he can spare the heartache and worries of him not knowing.

I don't know. But one thing for sure, I like the song actually. If I could face the previous heartache, pain, problems, anger (the list goes on) what makes me think that I can't face a few more?

If you think that is twisted...

I am going to share a secret with all of you. Now you see, I am not alone in my office - duhh!! of course! I have colleagues - Thats obvious too. To make things interesting one of my colleagues is my mother in law. Yes, you read that right - and that is just the beginning of my secret. She is our Training Manager. Now, that is not the only secret that I have. You see, She has an assistant. The assistant is a very good looking and the kind that melts people's heart easily. He's sweet, adorable and lovable. The only thing that you have to do is to dig all of his characters under his stern looking face. The assistant that I was talking about is my Mr. Frank! Hehehe... Yes, Im working with him too, in the same office!

It doesn't stop there. There are two companies that are residing in the same compound of the office. The other company is a cooperative. So it deals with orphans stuff that I am working some proposals for them. You see, when I handed in any proposal it will be read by the marketing personal of the organization. she then discusses the proposals with her superiors. Now, the person I meant is my sister in law (My brother's wife).

All the decisions will be made by the General Manager of the cooperative. She will decide which programme should be implemented first and think of the business aspects of the programme. She will call me for further explanation. We will discuss about the matter more specific as we go through the proposal. Now the best part of this is that, we can discuss this just about everywhere. In the office, meeting room, Restaurants and even in our living hall. Yes OUR living hall. The GM that I was talking about is my mother. Now how twisted and wicked is that?

A Personal Assisstant

My days now are more hectic than it used to. There are meetings to attend, discussion to head and decisions to be made. This practically casts out the word "life" in my working days - which is 5 days a week (it really depends though even on saturdays and sundays i have to attend meetings or social visits). It sucks I know...

So I have this vision as I was commuting to city center in the bullet. I looked out of the window where I could see trails of rain on the glass. I was worried. I have to walk to the meeting place and its raining. I pictured me walking, rain... wet... and meeting... Not a so good combination there. The vision was, having a personal assistant for me - the type that caters my needs and schedule and meetings arrangement and all that stuff. If I have one, I will not have to worry much about work stuffs. Everything I need is being served in a platter(maybe not silver, but a platter served is much better than buffet where you have to take food on your own).

Or maybe.... I can make full use of her, by adding a caption in the jobscope of the PA as: To bare in mind not to clash personal events with work related events. This is to make her remind me of my social events like my anniversary, birthdays, shopping weekends and even answering my mom's phone call (can I do that?).

I snorted myself but was a bit panic as I tried to figure out my where being. Phew. The station will the next after this coming station. so, I sat back and looked at my next seat. There is an empty seat next to me. If I have a PA, she/he can sit there. Accompanying me wherever I go. She/he can even eat breakfast/brunch/lunch/tea/dinner/supper with me. We can chat about work. Or, even better about something out of work once in awhile like gossips, bitching around or stories of my private life maybe once a month, or,twice a month, or, weekly basis or every other day... or every day... We can be best friends!

I stood in front of the door of the bullet, eager to get out of the bullet and thinking of how to reach the venue of my appointment on time. I still have 15 minutes but the rain, its getting wilder each minute. I stood at the edge of the pedestrian walk. I took out my phone and remembered that I ran out of credit. It will be wonderful If I have a PA. I will instruct her to postponed the meeting to 330pm instead of 3 pm. I don't have to worry about my credit or maybe I can even let her hold my phone so that whenever the credit is low she can top it up for me.

I smiled to myself. As I was punching the numbers of my client, a car drove by and splashed the accumulating water to my side of the pedestrian walk. I jumped and managed to escaped my so-called "near death experience". If I have a PA, I will definitely asked her/him to jot down the car registration number and sue that fella. She/he can deal with the lawyers and all the neat clerical work for me instead of me doing it by myself.

If I have a PA, it will be so cool.

"But 'If' is a strong word, it can be your friend and it can be your enemy too" I told myself. I survived doing all the work alone all this while, and what makes me think that I can't handle anything in my path next? So, I carved a knowing smile on my face and did the things I need to do. I called the numbers, talked to my client, looked left, right and left again, crossed the road reached the other end, a bus stop to a halt, sending water splashing on my G2000 pants and angrily stomping the pedestrian walk to my client's office. Reached her office, she asked: "Are you wet?"

I rest my case.

Tonight is the night....

I love Mr Frank. There's no question there. It's him and only him. Even if you lined up cute guys, school boys, hunks from magazine or ranch boys (except for Zac Afron) - none of them will work their magic to my heart. Its a sacred place designed for Mr. Frank Moore. Well 1 thing for sure I will never stop loving him even if I have an Impossible Mission to complete. He will always be that love I remember to the end of my life.

So, I was having tea with my mother in law and we started to share stories of our relationship. And it touched me so bad that I almost cried right there and then. She told me, "Frank cried a lot on the night when he visited me about two years ago. I never saw he cried that much before. And I know then you are so special to him," she took a sip of her latte and continued. "The news of you might have cancer devastated him. and I am glad that he loves you so much," she took another sip of her latte.

"He said that I don't wanna loose her, mom. I love her so much,"

And I realized how important I am to him. Holding back tears as hard as I could.

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don’t make me change my mind

I won’t live to see another day
I swear its true
Because a man like you is impossible to find
You’re impossible to find

I love you Mr. Frank