what happened to my dreams?

I was all alone, scared and petrified in my seat. I took off my glasses, put it down next to my make-up bag and inhaled as deep as I could. I looked at my screen. There were 7 windows at the bottom of the screen. I opened one after the other. I am getting used to the fact that there are many things to be done. This project, that project another project in December and my marketing plan throughout the year of 2009. I stopped scanning, looking at the progress of each work. I am proud of myself to be in this position. I am reaching others' dreams.

I pictured my mom in my head. What a disappointment I have been to her. Its not that I wanted it but, situation was kinda tough. I had to work and at the same time be around her whenever she needs me and fullfiling her dreams for me, which sometimes I just can't do it for her. Its not that I am complaining or anything. Its just that, sometimes it makes me wonder how about what I need, what I want and how I feel. She is the reason why I am working my ass off. And I am really afraid that with the job I have given her, can she cope with it? Yea, people always tell her how good I dress up for ocassions and work. Others might think that I dress myself nicely and thus relating that I shop a lot. But the truth is, I went shopping when I have Extra money and when there is a sale going on. The rest of the salary fritz into thin air and sometimes I don't even have the chance to taste it. For one time in life, I just want to shop like nobody's business and spend the money as I may. But I realized, that won't happen in the near future.

I slid the picture of my mom from my head and replaced that with my brother, Edmund Moore. Questions rushed my head. Can u really take care of your future fiance'? Can you really survive the world. I know the fact that you are a survivor - one that is stronger than I am. But, to get married so soon? I am starting to admire Melissa Mason's company and to love her like my own sister... I am really afraid that if this doesn't work out good than it's going to break my heart to. I am planning to save a few hundreds per months to be given to Edmund to help him with raising money to get married. But, My greatest fear is to see him sad and grumpy and angry. I want him the way he was before Baba passed away. Someone that is cheerful and capable to make other people laugh like there is no tomorrow. I miss him so much.

I put the picture of Edmund in my head and replaced it with the picture of Adrian Moore with my eyes closed. He's so small that he doesn't know what is happening. He is vulnerable to the real world and I don't know how to deal with that. I might not be able to be there for him all the time. so does everyone. I just hope he matures a bit faster that he can take care of himself. I love to buy him toys. I love to spoil him with sweets and books and most importantly with laughter and love. I just can't promise him that I can take care of him until the end of time. I can't. And it hurts to hear people say that I don't love him. The fact is, I love him more than I love my dreams that I shattered most of them to give him what I could.

I love Mr. Frank Moore, undeniably. But what if, what if my time is over that I have to move on? I don't want to go, at least not yet. I have plans for us. But now I am not sure that I can execute the plans because I am not sure of the plans myself. He knows how I hate unexpected things and that I hate changes. One thing for sure, without a single doubt, I am going to be here next to him until the last breathe of mine. I have loved him unconditionally and I hope I will love him still in the future to come. There is nothing more I want to do just to be with you - even if that means giving up my dreams.

Enlightenment

I waved at the taxi, fished inside my lappie bag, a taxi stop to a halt in front of the taxi stand, I opened the door, slid in, closed the door and continued fishing in my lappie bag. Where the hell is my fisherman's friend?" I asked myself.

"Where are we heading mam?" said the taxi driver.

I was about to snort, but then pushed aside the idea of it, said my apologies, and stated that I need to go to the nearest Bullet Station. He pressed the meter button and drove off.

He constantly looked into his rear view mirror - which spooked me. Suddenly, I remembered something; fight fire with fire I stared back at him. He looked and tried to say something. I was engaged in finding my fisherman's friend. Finally, I decided to stop searching, sink into the comfy seat and looked outside the window and... got a questioned from the taxi driver.

"So, you are trying to make it go away,"he said.

"Desperately!"I uttered, half shouting.

"Sometimes, things change and you have to accept the fact that they are changing," He added.

"Well, I am extremely afraid of changes. Its not that I can't adapt. I adapt wonderfully in various situation. But, I am afraid if situations are changing me," I explained.

"Well, you know what they say, you have to loose some to win some," He said with a broad smile on his face. He continued "Another thing is, sometimes we are conditioned to a certain way of life, we forget that there are others out there who are totally different from our belief. And sometimes, I think, we need to listen to them so that we will have an insight of what to come and sometimes the best way to deal with changes is to leave them at the beginning of it so you wont get hurt," he said.

"Nothing is inevitable," I said slowly.

"Exactly. And you,you are strong enough to move forward if you believe in what you do best," He said, pulling off at the bullet station. I handed him 10 bugs note, he refused the fare politely and I staggered as I climbed down from the taxi.

I saw my friend, Martin, and talked to him for awhile. He said that he has been waiting for a taxi and I said to him that he missed one, a good one. But he said that he has been waiting for a taxi for about fifteen minutes and that I am still funny after all of these years. He snorted and I left him to wait for the taxi as I confusedly walking to buy the ticket of the bullet thinking, I rode a taxi just now.

The months to come...

i flipped open my lappie, sat down, took off my new Gucci Sunglasses and pressed the on button of the lappie. I stood up, walked to the water dispenser and poured in some cold water in my mug. I drank it all at once after making sure that nobody's watching. and filled it full again and trotted to my room, sat down and the lappie's screen was still black. I was starting to panicked. I pressed the button again. It ceased to switch on. I look at the button... I smiled... and literally said 'idiot' to myself. Hehehe. I pressed the wrong button.

I am extremely happy as I calculated my new salary for the next few months. By the end of November I will get a 100 percent raise. And by January I will have another raise of 50 percent of the amount that I will have in December. Hehehe... All of the sudden, pictures of new dresses, pants, vests and shirts that I saw in a magazine came to mind. I was excited, extremely excited that i didn't realize that Mrs. N was standing right next to me.

"Are you staring at a blank screen?" She asked.

"Gucci, Miss60, Topshop, LV," I uttered.

"Excuse me," she said in a concern tone.

"I am sorry," I said, apologetically and embarrassed at the same time.

"You should give yourself night out or what not, don't you think so?"

"I have a lot of things to be done," I replied. Amused at the thought that I haven't switched the lappie on.

"Yeah, I figured," she continued. "Maybe I can find you an assistant,"

I smiled at her, and snorted a bit as she walked back to her office.

I love my job.

Absolutely busy..

I breathe in, a bit, looking at the screen of my lappie, happy but exhausted, stretched a little, closed my eyes, an flipped it open again. It was amazingly demanding in finding money - more money. I stretched a bit more, pushing the back of my chair - lost my balance and staggered, almost fell i regain my composure, looked around and thankful that nobody's watching. I giggled alone as I sat on the chair. Hehehe. I giggled again and again.

I lowered the screen as I sat there. I thought about Mr. Frank, I pity him for his small birthday celebration. I really want to make him happy. I do. But...

"MARTHA!" came like thunder the voice of Mrs. N. I got up, straighten my body hugging shirt from Padini, buttoned my vest from AX, and walked out of my room. Strolled across the office and entered Mrs. N room. She was busy typing with eyes locked on the lappie's screen.

"Sit," She said.

"Yup," I replied.

"Is everything ready for the initiation meeting tonight?" She asked. I know where this led to.

"As far as I am concerned, yes," I said, I sounded more confident than when I was first here.

"can u explain this?" she handed me the registration form.

"what's wrong with it?" she shifted her attention from the screen straight into my eyes.

"tell me, how can we contact them?" She started to sound like an agent in "The Bourne Identity"

Shit

Wait... Thats not part of my job scope. I smiled, looked at her in the eyes, and shifted my attention to the board behind her.

"Mrs. N, I want you to turn around and take a good look at the board," She did exactly that.

"SUE!!!!!" she yelled. And the princess left the building smiling from ear to ear - a short lived one, because she still has to finish up her script as the MC for tonight. hahaha.

Touched

I read 2 blogs just now. Each touched me so deep that tears were shed. I was lying on my bed browsing the net in my pink silk pj and watching the latest super hot video from BRITNEY SPEARS entitled WOMANIZER in youtube.com. It struck me that after reading the first blog, that one way or another, I always leave an impact to everyone that I know. Mr. Frank always agrees with me on that - well, it can be that he wants me to feel special, I don't know.

But back to the first blog; http://whenelse.blogspot.com. I just can't stop blaming myself for being a jerk that is now a problem to one of my closest friends. I took some facial tissue by the side of my bed and slowly directing it to my face and wiped off tears on my cheeks. I'm sorry pumpkin for troubling you with my relationship problems.

I read her entry entitled 'EDDIE', it's amazingly sweet. When you read the words, you can actually feel the love that she has for him. It is refreshing to feel that kind of emotion. I really want to feel that too. I am trying hard to cast out the new infatuation that I have before it begins to rule my life. So, tough time.

The second blog taught me of what true love means. Through this address http://whowillwebecome.blogspot.com I read and inferred about how true love works and at the same time to carry on living the life that you have to the fullest.

These two blogs made me cry and they were really really meaningful to me, especially in times like this.

What the HELL...

I went back from my in-law's house. Taking the train back to my place after having 17 students from Mr. Frank's school. I switched from train to bullet at Trafalgar Square Station. With much temptation I ignored City Centre Station bottling all the emotion I had inside and decided to continue with the bullet. I wonder whether or not the guy who I gave my card to will do something about it. I closed my eyes and heard the bullet resumed its routine.